ohmyfurandwhiskers: (oh fiona...)
I have this suddenly irresistible vision of me sitting in the middle of a grand wooden dining table, surrounded by messy stacks of papers and books I intend to eventually read.

I'm reading this article about Fiona Apple and alternately singing along to songs from Tidal, adding to a post I'm going to put on Dear Heart's FB wall, and copy/pasting random bits I especially adore from the article.

Before July 28th, 2000, from 1996 on, when I was 10/11, I would listen to her as often as I could when I wasn't listening to Journey, Alanis Morissette, or Hanson. Over time, and before July 28th, I got into the habit of obsessing over Fiona's voice and music every summer. The summer of 1999, I spent one whole month listening to Tidal on repeat and unwilling or unable to listen to anything else. I would lay in the dark, on my mother's bed, with her voice intermingling with my heartbeat, and watching the shadows passing cars created on the walls.

Soon after July 28th, all I wanted to do was listen to "Sullen Girl" over and over all day and night and never leave my bedroom as I stared out at the street in front of our house and imagine lying on a beach, in the wet sand.

I've been ardently in love with her for sixteen years. She lives in my heart. I want to live in her brain.

I've discovered that she does three things that I've done all my life...

(1) I feel like she collects information like I do.

(2) For so long she’d identified with the idler wheel, a mechanism that “has a big impact on whatever machine it’s in, but it just looks like it’s doing nothing, sitting and taking in everything,” but now she wasn’t sure.

(3) mostly meditating, which she does from time to time, she told me, “to become myself as a child.”

This reminds me of something verily similar Dear Heart told me after a Serious Talk in the back room at work... She said I was her friend now. “We’re friends,” she said. “I mean this.”

Random bits from the article that I especially adore...

alone, stalking
slipped into unconsciousness beneath the coffee table.
— sanity and love —
Butterflies in my brain.
her extraordinary voice ricocheting across space: musical onomatopoeia
“I couldn’t figure out what the fuck was going on with my brain.”
Here she gasped.
“that’s gonna make me look crazy.”
she began reading rapidly, furiously, from the small piece of paper:
very sincerely.
1:41 a.m.
5:34 a.m.
“I’m out walking,” she wrote, “it’s nice out.”
tired but giddy,
the place where two lines of music “crack together,”
a waving, malevolent line in the background.
I had no idea what she was talking about.
bungalow near Venice Boulevard
coconuts she’d drawn funny faces onto
“Let’s not be too precious,”
She asked about vodka and hash.
because she wanted “to make people happy.”
she did not want to be ashamed. She told them the truth. She told them she had been raped.
We drank marijuana-laced lemonade and left.
in a swirling flock of branches that made a perfect tunnel, impervious to light.
she showed me her favorite tree
she said she loved hearing people’s lives, especially their music, from the outside.
Very long spans of time passed with neither of us speaking.
outside the sky had completely drained of color.
I asked her not to watch while I was doing it and stopped abruptly because I felt foolish.
a cross between scatting and talking in tongues.
her lying in a bed of soil, covered in snails;
I just want to feel everything …
spontaneously dancing in the middle of the room
a lifelong, inherited struggle
with whom she climbed onto her roof to watch the sky
“How can I ask anyone to love me / When all I do is beg to be left alone?”
in total silence among strangers
— the click, click, whoosh from her knee —
a little machine that projected a million green stars orbiting across the whole space of the ceiling.
Despite my protests, she came over and put her arms around me. We stood there for a while, hugging.
The green galaxies of the universe spun above us.
like sparks at the start of an electrocution.
leafing through her artwork.
deeply shadowed, the features dark and stormy

And, also...

When she was 16, she told me, after hearing the boy to whom she’d recently lost her virginity express interest in another girl, she wrote “Never Is a Promise.” That song would appear, virtually unchanged, on her first album, after one of the few dozen copies of the demo tape her father had urged her to make ended up in her future manager’s hands at a Christmas party hosted by a woman whose babysitter was Fiona’s friend.

*("Never Is a Promise" is my favorite of her songs.)

He had a knife or screwdriver in his hand and said he’d kill her if she screamed.

*(David McHenry told me he would kill me if I "tried that again" when I attempted to defend myself against him.)

Mirror neurons Audrey Hepburn eyes drawing Funny Face empathy blind for a day Andrei’s mom yesterday quote friend naturally then again bad therapy rehash rehash retell details no! distract with laughter —

that’s what empathy is, and making this string of connections now, she’d been all bored and blank and anxious upstairs, and then around the corner this comes — mirror neurons — it made her heart beat, it made her hot, and now she was so excited that she was “having, like, tics and shit—

And then there were the voices: hers and, later, in an incredible melodic round, her sister Maude’s. There was no looping or Auto-Tune; for hours they’d stood at the same microphone, weaving their voices in what she called “the most intimate moment of our lives together.”
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (teatime!)
So I spent midnight to 5am doing crossword puzzles as I watched silly teen romances from 2000-ish. And then I passed out for five hours. I totally should've slept more.

Anyway, main point is that I HAVE A JOB! At the Heaven of Tea and I absolutely love it. I'm on my third week there and it's already the best job I've ever had! Unlimited free tea and a 40% discount on merchandise and bulk teas. I'll have to update more on that later when I don't have to start getting ready for work in eight minutes.
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (sadly)
I really need for something to change soon. I can only let myself spend $17 per month on food. It's scary. I'm so behind on everything. The only good news is that I'll be able to pay for June rent. The bad news is that I won't be able to pay for anything else in June. HAH. So, yeah, that's where I am. I don't know what to do, really. I'm just trying to not give up and that's really hard because finding a job seems pretty impossible right now. And getting government assistance seems even less likely than that.

No one can convince me things are going to be okay. Everything I'm doing feels like I'm just wasting time until the inevitable happens.

And no one really knows how bad it is. I told Sara but that's because she actually asked. I can't lie when asked a direct question. It makes me hate myself so I have to be honest even though it's embarrassing.

I really think my ultimate plan might be necessary.

Anyway, I have to fast (it makes it easier if I call it that) for all of today but I have $1.75 for food tomorrow. And I have multi-vitamins.

031. Shh.

Wednesday, April 4th, 2012 02:52 am
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (sadly)
Dear Self,

Please remember that...

(1) you don't have any friends anymore. There are people who pity you but they're not your friends. They all have lives you do not fit in anymore. Get over it. Get over them. None of them even have the time to pretend to care about how you're doing so stop bothering them. This will be a lot easier if you don't have to say any goodbyes.

(2) no one wants to hear it. No one understands. Don't bother. PTSD and depression and panic attacks... Fear, hunger, and worry... Just keep your inner scream to yourself.

(3) stop flooding Twitter with your nonsense, refer back to (2).

Just seven more weeks. I'll get rid of as many of my things as possible, say goodbye to my cats, and go to sleep watching Amelie.
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (beauty found in strange places)
Right now, I'm watching Geek and Sundry's live web stream. If you haven't heard of it, it's basically a collaborative community project for geeks! Felicia Day has been doing a livestream hangout thing on Google+ all day and by the end will have been on for 12 hours. Amber Benson was on at one point as well as many, many artists who have worked on all sorts of things talking about subjects ranging from web series, novel writing, gaming, and random other things. At the beginning, there was yoga with the author of Booty Bible, Alicia Marie, Felicia Day, and two of the crew members in panda costumes. It's been ridiculous!

So, yesterday, a friend I shall refer to as the Mathmagician because of his crazy ability to do any math problem ever, convinced me to at least try to sign up for disability for my PTSD... so I started doing that today. I decided to do so especially after finding out that Missouri is doing away with unemployment extension. Apparently now everyone who is or becomes unemployed has only 20 weeks to find a new job or they're fucked. I'm fucking terrified of becoming homeless or having to move back to a horrible situation in Ohio. I'm not super excited about filing for disability, but when I think about it logically, I know that holding down a job when I have three to five panic attacks a week (when I'm working) makes it extremely difficult to work. No one I've ever worked with has understood this but I cannot simply relax afterward.

Throughout the past five years, especially after I was promoted to manager at Coffee Cartel, the stress of the job and level of anxiety combined with the fact that my brain doesn't process stressors anywhere close to normally, means I was almost always at peak anxiety whereas most normal people would be stressed sure, but they wouldn't feel like they were going to have a panic attack just because there's a line to the door and their vision wouldn't get blurred and throat go dry or thoughts start looping. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry.

I haven't had a panic attack in a couple of weeks, thankfully, but that's because I'm trying really, really hard to approach my stressors (mostly anything money related or going to crowded places like riding the train) in incremental ways instead of all at once but when you have a job, especially something like food service where you constantly have ten things and/or people demanding your attention, you cannot do that. And the more I deal with the therapy for what McHenry did to me, the more I realize I have a lot of problems and limitations and that these problems have been around for a really long time. (Making me wonder how much of my personality is trauma-induced and can possibly be "fixed".)

What I want, more than anything, right now is to be able to stay where I am even if I can't find a job (and keep it without getting fired for my anxiety and panic attacks). And, after I finish the PTSD study, entering into more therapy and getting medication for my anxiety and depression. I want to actually have time to try to heal as opposed to trying to force myself to heal while constantly dealing with more and more stress and being told I need to find a therapist but never having time to or feeling like I can even get help. I don't want to go back to feeling like I did when I left Ohio. I was barely a person then and if I go back, I really don't think I'm going to have the strength to even try anymore.

Tomorrow, I have a therapy appointment so I'm going to ask her for some sort of paper that says I have PTSD and that it affects my daily life and such. She knows I've been looking for a job for a long time and I'm feeling pretty helpless about even being able to hold down a job right now with how fucked my brain is. And, then afterward, I'm going to take that and W-2 to the Social Security Administration building, which isn't too far from my apartment.

I'm not sure if any thing in this entry made sense...

Anyway, here's hoping that something good happens in my life soon. I know everyone needs something good to happen in their life but it would be nice to not feel hopeless for once this year.
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (fragile)
Since being fired from Cartel, I have applied to over 70 companies within walking distance of the bus stops and train stations in the city. I feel like this is extra difficult for me because I can't apply to jobs that require degrees, licenses, or a minimum number of years of experience. Additionally, I was fired, which always looks bad regardless of being on good terms with the owner and other managers, and the high percentage of unemployment in the area means there's a lot of competition for the jobs I apply to. I have only heard back from maybe half of the places I've applied to, most through e-mail to reject my resume or tell me that the position was filled. I've received maybe 10 phone calls of which 4 it turned out I wasn't qualified for and the others are a mix of places I interviewed at and never heard back from, people who I played phone tag with with no outcome, and companies that turned out to have fraudulent business practices.

I have made a decision to not apply to positions in food service anymore until I have completed the PTSD research study I'm participating in. My therapist seems to think that she can cure my PTSD by the end of the study (another couple of months), which I'm highly doubtful of, but whether or not that's true, it's unhealthy for me to actively seek out a job in such a stressful environment. The truth is, I've been suffering from major anxiety and depression as far back as I can remember, in part due to Autumn not taking proper medication for her Bipolar disorder and also in part to genetic flaws. Being traumatized at 14 made it so much worse, of course, and being alienated for five years from any peers together served to really, really fuck me up. I'm never going to be a normal adult and I don't really believe it's possible to be cured although I will go through therapy in hopes that I'm wrong.

Anyway, I just don't know what I'm going to do if I don't get a job by the end of May because that's when my unemployment runs out. Although, I think I'm just going to end up moving back to Ohio if this happens. I definitely do not want to but I don't have anyone here in St. Louis who would be willing to let me live with them. I feel like killing myself and living with Autumn are of equal awfulness so I don't really know what exactly I'm going to do if the time comes to make an actual decision. I know this sounds very pessimistic and pathetic, but I like to think it's just realistic. The truth is that I don't want to die but I also don't want to ever have to live with Autumn again, a woman who used to scream at me for hours, try to break my things, and constantly berate and belittle me every moment she found herself alone with me.

I just don't know what I'm going to do. I'm only posting this because I've found that I don't really have anyone to talk to anymore. I talk to friends but mostly I keep this inner scream to myself because no one I know actually understands. I pretty much spend all my mental energy on pretending like I'm not depressed or fighting/avoiding it... and being really fucking lonely. And there's really no point in trying to talk about that anymore.
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (just chapters in life...)
I really need to work on not abandoning my journal whenever I go off on hobby binges... I've read maybe 25 books since I last posted here. So quick update!

I still don't have a job. I'm still in the PTSD study. I'm no longer vegan and have gone back to vegetarianism (for health reasons). I've been having a LOT of headaches recently. I had a sex dream about Andy Bernard from The Office and have since developed a crazy strong crush on Ed Helms (dude, check out his Wiki picture because it's adorable!). Ended things with Pepé. And... oh, what else?... I'm addicted to Parks and Recreation. Like... hardcore addicted. Taking a necessary break with Arrested Development.

I'll try to update more often!
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (oh fiona...)
So, there's this book that I have been reading for a really long time and I haven't been able to finish it because it makes me so angry that I have to take month long breaks from it. I'm not even finished but something she said about a four year old getting sexually excited made me so furious that I wrote up the following review... Also, if anyone has an account on GoodReads, let me know!

Too Scared To Cry by Lenore Terr

This is a very difficult book to read because it's so heavily doctored to be read as a novel that I don't believe for a moment that what Lenore Terr quotes these children as saying are actually the words that came from their mouths. A great deal of her research, if it can suitably be called that as this book is not at all written as a documented study, is based upon satanic rituals and pseudo-scientific methods of psychological and psychiatric treatments.

Additionally, Lenore Terr abides by a great deal (if not all) of Freud's research and methods. Quite frankly, Freud's work reads like the manifesto of a pedophile group as does a great number of parts in this book. For a book about traumatized infants and children, there is a great deal of gratuitous descriptions of naked children being raped and abused.

From a scientific viewpoint, I can't see how these descriptions are beneficial at all to anyone for any reason aside from shock value and potentially providing fodder for Freudian pedophiles. As the survivor of child molestation, rape, mental abuse, and physical abuse, I stand by this opinion. I have been diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and am currently studying child psychology with an emphasis on treating PTSD so I believe I have a great deal more insight into how a subject like this should be broached. With all due respect, Lenore Terr should never have been allowed to treat children, write this book, nor, most certainly, been awarded for her work. I am appalled by the medical field for having ever gratified her.

Oh, and why would you speak "blandly" so frequently to traumatized children you're supposed to be treating? Frankly, I would like to know what the hell she thought she was doing and if she ever received any sort of training on how to talk to children. Someone please tell me that she never had children of her own.

As for my opinion on Freud, any scientist or aspiring scientist in any specialty field worth his or her salt knows that the only reason Freud ever made such a fuss was because everything he said was so appalling and horrific. Honestly! He apparently really wanted children to be sexually excited, didn't he? Don't pedophiles react the same way when they try to explain their feelings for children? Justify it by saying they wanted it? Remember: Just because someone is loud and controversial, doesn't mean they're right or even sane.

And, yes, I do realize how dated this book is, but that does at all excuse the fact that this woman completely disregarded these children as human beings, remarked that four year olds were sexually excited during her sessions, and wrote about children in sexual positions (several times per chapter). There's also the very obvious issue that if this book were to have ever had any scientific merit or relevance, it would have been written in such a way that made it clear that that was her intention and not in such a way that made it sound like a *sensational* real life crime book.
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (aha hah!)
I have been obsessed with playing WoW lately to the point that I haven't been doing much of anything else lately. I think it's one of those things that's just making me feel like I'm doing something productive even though I'm just wasting time. I was able to get the Love Fool title with four minutes to spare and several other achievements since then. I would like to make a proper post about it at some point, though I'm not sure how interested anyone would be in it aside from me. Heh.

Also? Words with Friends doesn't think 'boop' is a word. I think Betty would have something to say about that.

Back to doing crosswords...
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (big geek grin! :D)
I spent a few hours at Coffee Cartel yesterday because Frogger (my best friend) and Emma (another good friend) were working the day shift. I finally finished a book! Dave Pelzer's 'Help Yourself'. I was going to work on reading more of 'Too Scared To Cry' but I was in too weird of a mind state to do so or stay. I got upset with Pepé because he didn't understand what I was trying to say to him and it always irritates me when I feel like he's not on my side when he should be. URG.

Anyway, I went home earlier than I expected to and ranted for ten minutes about it and played WoW for the rest of the night. This is my Squeakeeh. A Blood Elf Shadow Priest. I'm really only a casual player because the newest dungeons and any type of raid at all puts me on the verge of panicking. Last night I finally got the following achievements...

Fistful of Love - Which required me to camp out in an enemy city (Stormwind). I died several times but because you can see enemies around your body when you're dead, I was still able to resurrect and throw flowers at my intended targets before I was killed again. Totally worth it.

Explore Twilight Highlands - Just exploring one of the newer areas.

Silver in the City - Required a lot of fishing in a small fountain in the old sanctuary city in Northrend. I had to find a list of certain coins and I had a lot of good fortune last night in that area. It gave me something to do whilst watching Numb3rs via Netflix on my phone.

Illustrious Grand Master Fisherman - Finally maxed out my fishing skill after playing for three years or so. HAH!

I'm mostly working on leveling my archaeology skill, hunting herbs, fishing out pools, and returning quests I've had for a long time as I fly all over the old world. I have yet to be killed by Deathwing, sadly. I am also trying to add to the numbers for guild achievements such as fishing up 10,000 fish from pools and killing 50,000 critters. It staves off the boredom of my life and it gives me something to do whilst watching stuff on Netflix. I hate not doing anything with my hands when I'm watching shows or movies.

I just finished watching one of my favorite movies, Clean Slate, and, now, I have four shots of espresso over ice to drink and some jobs to apply for. ADIOS.

P.S. Whoa. Weird throbbing coming from under my left eyebrow... The fuck is this?
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (s'cute!)
So, I very recently (as in in the past couple of hours) tapped a few DW users on the shoulder and got all obnoxiously close and asked, mouth-breathing and all, "HeydoyouwanttobemyfriendbecauseIthinkyou'resooocool!" *big creepy dork grin* And, the point is that they're awesome and now I feel extra ridiculous and kinda nervous.
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (secret moose!)
Quinn is in heat and driving me insane. She keeps jumping on my shoulders and then stabbing me with every single one of her crazily sharp claws. I received a check in the mail from Autumn (my mother) so I have chosen to use it to finally get her fixed and get her shots and whatnot. I'm still scared about doing it but I can not go through this again. I will rip my own ears off!

I totally ate way too much mapo tofu, which I got after Therapy Session #1 for comfort food. I wasn't expecting the container it came in to be the size of my head! To overwhelm the spiciness a bit, I dumped the steamed rice in it, which made it taste a lot better. I find it strange that West End Wok, my favorite place to get Chinese food, doesn't have chow mein on the menu. Strangity. <--- Not a word, but should be...

I am currently reading seven books, which almost makes sense because I'm nine books behind on my goal of reading 150 this year. I should probably work on my inability to focus on any one book at a time. OR I could start a new book and pretend that I don't have a problem.

Currently Reading!...

#1.] 'Too Scared to Cry' by Lenore Terr, M.D.
#2.] 'Treating the Brain' by Dr. Walter G. Bradley
#3.] 'Help Yourself' by Dave Pelzer
#4.] 'What You Really Really Want' by Jaclyn Friedman
#5.] 'The World Without Us' by Alan Weisman
#6.] 'Of Human Bondage' by W. Somerset Maugham (re-reading)
#7.] 'The Mysterious Flame of Queen Loana' by Umberto Eco

Maybe I shouldn't be so avoidant. Hm... *ponders* Well, it will be dealt with a bit starting 2/20 and through Black March because I'm not renewing my Netflix subscription. Aha! Take that, distraction!

ohmyfurandwhiskers: (quiet streets of venice)
Today I had a MRI scan! I spent an hour and a half working through paper and computer tests, which made me suspicious that my IQ was secretly being tested. After that was finished, one of the girls working on the study led me through the halls to the room where they keep the scanner and we met up with the lovely woman who did my assessment at UMSL. Once in the viewing room, which had the MRI Guy who helped me get through the tests, Lovely Woman, Other Girl, and Random Guy, I had to take off my glasses and was fitted with goggles that had pop-in lenses to match up with my prescription because there would be computer tests during the scans.

While I was being set up for the scan, I had to put in earbuds (because the MRI machine makes REALLY LOUD beeping and bangs most of the time you're in), so I felt like I was back in shop class. And then, I had to lay down on a cushioned board with my head in a plastic case, put headphones w/ mic on over the earbuds and goggles and that was all topped off with a plastic cage over my face so then I felt like Hannibal Lecter. After that, the machine lifted me up and slid me into the machine, which was like a perfect fit. It made me wonder if there are differently sized MRI machines for people who are taller and/or weigh more. Another random thought: How did what looks like splashes of coffee get on the inside of the MRI machine?! Strange.

At first it was okay but then the machine started making this horrible beeping for like 8-10 minutes and I thought it was an alarm or something. Freaked me the fuck out. Loud, random beeping, shaking, vibrating, banging, and whatnot, for two hours. I had to stare at a plus sign on a screen for four tests and almost fell asleep throughout all of them. And, then, another test which is boring to explain but made me feel stupid because the pictures I had to say were similar or dissimilar flashed so quickly. My eyes started playing tricks on me. Oy...

Afterward, I walked super fast to get to Golden Grocer before they closed so I could buy more coconut/almond milk ($1 off combined due to them being new products), tofu (got ten cents off the sale price because I dropped it and still bought it even thought it leaked all over me, heh) and falafel chips (pretty much 2 for the price of 1 since they're "expired"). And then I went to Coffee Cartel for four shots over ice. And sung this to it in my head on my way to my apartment...

(I rewrote parts of NIN song about loving coffee and hating people who were driving/almost ran me over...)

i want to drink you like an animal
i want to feel you on the inside
i want to drink you like i'm an alkie
my whole existence is tired

help me
tear down my fatigue
help me
it's your crema i smell
help me
you make me perfect
help me
think of how nice it would be to beat these idiots over the head with their champagne bottles and then EATTHEIRROSES!!!

So that was my day!

Oh, for VDay, I bought Pepé a rose and took it to him at Cartel last night. There was also sexytimes. And I don't think he'll have a problem with me putting his picture up here so... Le picture of Monsieur Pepé )


ohmyfurandwhiskers: (Default)
D. Troy

July 2012

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