Saturday, March 17th, 2012

ohmyfurandwhiskers: (fragile)
Since being fired from Cartel, I have applied to over 70 companies within walking distance of the bus stops and train stations in the city. I feel like this is extra difficult for me because I can't apply to jobs that require degrees, licenses, or a minimum number of years of experience. Additionally, I was fired, which always looks bad regardless of being on good terms with the owner and other managers, and the high percentage of unemployment in the area means there's a lot of competition for the jobs I apply to. I have only heard back from maybe half of the places I've applied to, most through e-mail to reject my resume or tell me that the position was filled. I've received maybe 10 phone calls of which 4 it turned out I wasn't qualified for and the others are a mix of places I interviewed at and never heard back from, people who I played phone tag with with no outcome, and companies that turned out to have fraudulent business practices.

I have made a decision to not apply to positions in food service anymore until I have completed the PTSD research study I'm participating in. My therapist seems to think that she can cure my PTSD by the end of the study (another couple of months), which I'm highly doubtful of, but whether or not that's true, it's unhealthy for me to actively seek out a job in such a stressful environment. The truth is, I've been suffering from major anxiety and depression as far back as I can remember, in part due to Autumn not taking proper medication for her Bipolar disorder and also in part to genetic flaws. Being traumatized at 14 made it so much worse, of course, and being alienated for five years from any peers together served to really, really fuck me up. I'm never going to be a normal adult and I don't really believe it's possible to be cured although I will go through therapy in hopes that I'm wrong.

Anyway, I just don't know what I'm going to do if I don't get a job by the end of May because that's when my unemployment runs out. Although, I think I'm just going to end up moving back to Ohio if this happens. I definitely do not want to but I don't have anyone here in St. Louis who would be willing to let me live with them. I feel like killing myself and living with Autumn are of equal awfulness so I don't really know what exactly I'm going to do if the time comes to make an actual decision. I know this sounds very pessimistic and pathetic, but I like to think it's just realistic. The truth is that I don't want to die but I also don't want to ever have to live with Autumn again, a woman who used to scream at me for hours, try to break my things, and constantly berate and belittle me every moment she found herself alone with me.

I just don't know what I'm going to do. I'm only posting this because I've found that I don't really have anyone to talk to anymore. I talk to friends but mostly I keep this inner scream to myself because no one I know actually understands. I pretty much spend all my mental energy on pretending like I'm not depressed or fighting/avoiding it... and being really fucking lonely. And there's really no point in trying to talk about that anymore.


ohmyfurandwhiskers: (Default)
D. Troy

July 2012

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