Sunday, April 1st, 2012

ohmyfurandwhiskers: (beauty found in strange places)
Right now, I'm watching Geek and Sundry's live web stream. If you haven't heard of it, it's basically a collaborative community project for geeks! Felicia Day has been doing a livestream hangout thing on Google+ all day and by the end will have been on for 12 hours. Amber Benson was on at one point as well as many, many artists who have worked on all sorts of things talking about subjects ranging from web series, novel writing, gaming, and random other things. At the beginning, there was yoga with the author of Booty Bible, Alicia Marie, Felicia Day, and two of the crew members in panda costumes. It's been ridiculous!

So, yesterday, a friend I shall refer to as the Mathmagician because of his crazy ability to do any math problem ever, convinced me to at least try to sign up for disability for my PTSD... so I started doing that today. I decided to do so especially after finding out that Missouri is doing away with unemployment extension. Apparently now everyone who is or becomes unemployed has only 20 weeks to find a new job or they're fucked. I'm fucking terrified of becoming homeless or having to move back to a horrible situation in Ohio. I'm not super excited about filing for disability, but when I think about it logically, I know that holding down a job when I have three to five panic attacks a week (when I'm working) makes it extremely difficult to work. No one I've ever worked with has understood this but I cannot simply relax afterward.

Throughout the past five years, especially after I was promoted to manager at Coffee Cartel, the stress of the job and level of anxiety combined with the fact that my brain doesn't process stressors anywhere close to normally, means I was almost always at peak anxiety whereas most normal people would be stressed sure, but they wouldn't feel like they were going to have a panic attack just because there's a line to the door and their vision wouldn't get blurred and throat go dry or thoughts start looping. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry.

I haven't had a panic attack in a couple of weeks, thankfully, but that's because I'm trying really, really hard to approach my stressors (mostly anything money related or going to crowded places like riding the train) in incremental ways instead of all at once but when you have a job, especially something like food service where you constantly have ten things and/or people demanding your attention, you cannot do that. And the more I deal with the therapy for what McHenry did to me, the more I realize I have a lot of problems and limitations and that these problems have been around for a really long time. (Making me wonder how much of my personality is trauma-induced and can possibly be "fixed".)

What I want, more than anything, right now is to be able to stay where I am even if I can't find a job (and keep it without getting fired for my anxiety and panic attacks). And, after I finish the PTSD study, entering into more therapy and getting medication for my anxiety and depression. I want to actually have time to try to heal as opposed to trying to force myself to heal while constantly dealing with more and more stress and being told I need to find a therapist but never having time to or feeling like I can even get help. I don't want to go back to feeling like I did when I left Ohio. I was barely a person then and if I go back, I really don't think I'm going to have the strength to even try anymore.

Tomorrow, I have a therapy appointment so I'm going to ask her for some sort of paper that says I have PTSD and that it affects my daily life and such. She knows I've been looking for a job for a long time and I'm feeling pretty helpless about even being able to hold down a job right now with how fucked my brain is. And, then afterward, I'm going to take that and W-2 to the Social Security Administration building, which isn't too far from my apartment.

I'm not sure if any thing in this entry made sense...

Anyway, here's hoping that something good happens in my life soon. I know everyone needs something good to happen in their life but it would be nice to not feel hopeless for once this year.

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D. Troy

July 2012

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