ohmyfurandwhiskers: (live long and prosper)
Pepé and I are back together! Huzzah! It happened Wednesday, February 1st, when I brought a bottle of wine over to his apartment to talk. Admittedly, I was planning on us finally doing sexstuff if he still wanted me at all and it turned out that he indeed still wanted me! Muchly, actually. I am very happy with this. There was sexstuff... thrice. And since that night, once more. After which I got a bit sick after having had too much wine and he was very thoughtful and sweet to me before, during, and after that. He thought to order me food from Jimmy John's, which I'm very grateful to for being open at 3am and delivering, those nutters. We've had an argument since then after I made a joke and he thought I meant it seriously and that led to a Talk. But, overall, everything is very good.

I may have mentioned this previously but I am participating in a research study with UMSL and Wash U., the project title being Abnormality of Emotional Circuitry as a Biomarker in PTSD. The purpose of the study is to "identify brain biomarkers of PTSD, namely emotional circuit abnormalities in the brain. Identification of these markers in PTSD will increase our understanding of neurobiological systems involved in its development, clinical course, and response to treatment. PTSD is the most common presenting complaint following trauma exposure. The presence of PTSD is significantly related to impairment in social, occupational, and other important areas of functioning, and can lead to intrusive thoughts and feelings of guilt, helplessness, and hopelessness, and higher risk of feeling suicidal."

I feel that most of my problems with anxiety and depression stem from being raped and developing PTSD, especially with the lack of emotional support I received throughout my life. I also believe that this largely contributed to my difficulty in maintaining a state of emotion at work, home, and when I'm with others anywhere. I have always thought this but the more and more research that I do on my own, the more I realize how right I am in assuming so.

The problem is that it doesn't do me any good at all. In fact, it makes me feel worse because this just means I will likely always have these problems. I can learn ways to counteract my thought processes and try to talk myself out of my reflexive and, mostly, uncontrollable thoughts and feelings, but they're all just mental bandages. Sometimes, when it's really bad, it's like trying to apply pressure after an artery has been cut open. No one understands this, except others who have been traumatized. It's never as easy as counting back from ten or taking a walk to clear your head.

I've only ever met a very small number of people who truly understand I can rarely control my thoughts and emotions. I am not that great of an actress, and frankly, I shouldn't have to act a certain way to appease others. Why should I (or anyone else) feel further victimized by people who don't understand? Blame the people who caused the trauma. Victim-blaming is such a complex and rampant issue. It's heartbreaking and life-destroying.

Anyway, honestly, this PTSD study is a very good thing. I will be getting a MRI and blood work done on Tuesday as well as doing computer tests. After that, I start my twelve therapy sessions at UMSL's building for trauma research. And then I get another MRI, more computer testing, and bloodwork. After that, I get paid approximately $150 for my time.

There was more I wanted to write about but I think I've word-vomited here enough for one day.

Oh, but --->side note<---, I adore this song. When I first heard it, I added it to my repertoire for writing inspiration. It's a very well done version of the song that I connected to immediately. I later found out that this is Frogger and her Llama's song, which is a bit... awkward because it reminds me of something entirely different than it does them and I often hear it when I'm with them so... Yeah. Heh. Well, that's music for you, right?

008. Vanish

Tuesday, January 3rd, 2012 05:20 am
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (nighttime in italy)
A small part of me wants to keep living, but most of me just wants to die. I just keep thinking about buying a bottle of vodka, a bottle of sleeping pills, getting squishy, and cutting every part of me open once I get to the point where I just don't care anymore. I wonder what would kill me first.

004. Apoptosis

Monday, January 2nd, 2012 01:09 am
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (Default)
So! I managed to finish reading 60 books in 2011. I'm disappointed that it wasn't more, such as the original 150, but I knew by the time I decided to go back to school for fall semester, I would have to settle for just 60. Books Read in 2011

I was much closer when it came to watching 300 DVDs (either movies or the discs of TV show episodes)... I made it to 209! DVDs Watched in 2011 - A little bit out of order as I forgot about the list until December. Oops! I'll consider going back and adding the dates from Netflix instant, at least.

GOALS FOR 2012! Books to Read? 150! DVDs to Watch? 250!

Now, for the bad news... I got fired from Coffee Cartel on Thursday, the 29th, by the owner. I wasn't given an exact reason, rather it seemed a bit cumulative and muchly do to my high level of stress. As much as I loved working there, the people who I worked with, and the regulars who made my day when they came in, I can't stay angry. I am, however, very depressed right now. I'm trying to put my life into perspective and be grateful for all that I do have, but it's extremely difficult when I just lost my job, the one thing that had defined me since April 2010. I feel like a part of me was murdered, and I'm ashamed to admit that I totally begged him to reconsider, even though I knew he wouldn't. I cried for five hours straight and woke up the next day with hideous bags under my eyes. Grieving... I keep thinking I've gone through Kubler-Ross's five stages... Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Then, I start haphazardly cycling back through them all. It's super fun as you can probably guess.

At least now I can make out with Pepé as Emma so tactfully put it. Heh. Yeah... *goofy grin*

I've still been going to Cartel every single day and I still consider Frogger (the general manager) to be my bestest friend in the whole wide world. As far as I can tell, everyone still likes me. Even people who I didn't think did, have told me that we're still friends and have expressed sympathy. My regulars who I have spoken to about it, because I care about them and don't want them to just disappear from my life, have also apologized and given me hugs. *goofier grin*

It doesn't prevent me from being depressed, though. I've already applied for unemployment and submitted ten online job applications. I'm waiting until Tuesday to go job hunting on foot because I don't want to be the annoying insect of a person waltzing in on the Monday after two major holidays. Yeah, no thanks. That's like the equivalent of calling to ask if we're hiring in the middle of a lunch rush. I have one last paycheck coming to me and approximately $90 to my name as of right now. I'm going to pay my rent ($365) on the 6th, when I get my last check. Hopefully, I get unemployment with no issues and it's enough to pay the minimum $210+ in my other bills. I dropped out of the only class I was going to take this semester and I'm going to go get my $66 refund from cashier's office. And, I have other bills that I'm really scared about and none of this includes food for myself or my kit-kats. Yay.

At least I have Frogger, Llama, Pepé, Emma, Mama Nerd, and everyone else in my life who has been supportive of me. Without them, I'm pretty sure I would've just killed myself. Seems melodramatic, but considering how difficult it is to find a job in St. Louis, especially when you don't have a driver's license or a college degree yet, I really think it's a good back-up plan.

I'm so fucked.

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D. Troy

July 2012

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