ohmyfurandwhiskers: (live long and prosper)
Since Friday I have...

Gone to Chimichanga's with Pepé, Frogger, and her Llama. A "double date" as Llama exclaimed.

Gone to Heartbreakers on the Landing and Attitudes Nightclub in the Grove where Llama works.

Witnessed my first drag show (at Attitudes)! And saw Tyler Cross (Siren) perform live! I've known of him for so long so to see him perform live was incredible. And, I was so much more comfortable in that gay nightclub than I've ever been in anywhere so crowded. I think this makes sense considering my fear of drunk, straight men. (McHenry had been drinking the night he raped me and ever since I've not trusted drunk men.) I had people shoving up against me but I didn't feel like I was about to lose my mind at all. I was more worried about not pushing Frogger and Llama or their friend as a result because we were standing right at the side of the stage. Hey! I even used the restroom there... twice! I mean, I covered the entire thing in toilet paper because, ew, but it's the little things, right? Heh.

Had lunch at The Drunken Fish on Saturday with Cartel's Poltergeist, my favorite ex-manager who left Cartel one year ago to teach. Frogger joined us and I ate way too much. Oh, the seaweed salad! I was glad that I had the gift cards from the Cartel Christmas party.

On Sunday, Pepé and I had our first argument. And then we handled it on Monday, via text because he was at work and I didn't really want to discuss it in person anyway out of fear of a bigger argument. We haven't hung out since yet although we do have plans to do so today. It all came down to me needing him to be more supportive and him being sarcastic and blunt instead.

Got a call about a job interview at Dierbergs for Thursday, which Frogger is giving me a ride to because it's at a different location than where I would be working. Strange, but I hope I get it. I've been going crazy with nothing productive to do.

Did my taxes. Supposedly, I'll be getting enough back to cover what I owe my bank, which is over $450 at this point, and have enough left over to hopefully pay for my expenses to get out of this apartment. There's no way I'm going to have enough money to pay for another month's rent and I cannot keep borrowing against future direct deposits so I really need to talk to my friends about maybe staying with one of them. I'm trying not to think about it too much but my unemployment checks still haven't come through. I'm getting further and further in debt and there's nothing I can do about it.
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (get comfy and read!)
Since being fired, I have filled out 18 job applications, have a flimsy idea of a resume in process, and discovered that I can type 80-85 wpm (depending on how cold my fingers are whilst typing).

I haven't really been doing much with my time aside from reading at Coffee Cartel, watching DVDs, cleaning random areas of my apartment, fretting/crying, and harassing my friends via text messages.

On Thursday, I was on my way to deposit the little cash I did have at the bank when I came across Frogger and her Llama unloading store supplies at CC. Frogger told me I was going to go to lunch with them when I told her I wasn't doing anything. We ended up at Central Café and Bakery where Frogger and I ordered falafel (my first experience with it and I, of course, loved it) and her Llama ordered some sort of chicken wrap and something hookah-ish. (I don't really know much about hookah aside from that it smells good.)

I have to say I really love Central Café and Bakery's grape leaves and I wanted to order the baba ghanoush but they demanded I order an actual meal. I wasn't going to force it as Frogger was being kind enough to pay so perhaps some other time when I have a job again. I felt guilty because of the money but I'm trying not to. She's been very generous. I don't feel like I deserve it. Anyway, I love Middle Eastern food. If I could live off stuffed grape leaves and hummus, I would. Although, I would miss unagi very much if I did.

I'm obviously really hungry. Heh. That was the first real food I'd had since I was fired. I mean, I've had a couple of bagels here and there but there's not much nutritional value in those aside from carbohydrates/glucose. I moved some money around and it's fucking me over but I have a $50 credit available on one of the cards I was trying to pay off so I'm going to see if I can use that to buy some fruit or something later today.

My last paycheck didn't cover my rent. So I had to borrow $30 from my bank to pay it. Yay fun! I just keeping making my situation worse for myself. It's pretty awesome.

I'm sort of running out of energy... I think I'll read s'more...

009. Punish

Tuesday, January 3rd, 2012 08:39 pm
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (remember love)
I've been watching a lot of documentaries lately, which I can't decide is a bad thing or not considering it forces me to think about how shitty our world is. I've watched three on religion, one on dumpster diving, and the one I'm watching right now is about Wal-Mart's horrible business practices. When I can't stop thinking and I start getting really, really depressed and need to escape those thoughts, I put Scrubs on. I don't know what I would do without Netflix to distract me.

Or, without Pepé. This morning, I came up with a plan if I can't find a job and the only thing that kept me from following through with it right then was reminding myself that he cares about me. He puts headphones on when he plays Call of Duty because he knows I hate the sound of gunfire (I have trouble enough watching shows like Law & Order) and put them on when I was still sleeping and he wanted to listen to music. He never pushes me and apologizes when I tell him if I feel pressured by something. He's incredibly patient and generous... buying me coffee and a muffin already. He cares. And... we're exclusive. Heh. Like teenagers, I swear. When we were talking about it, I said 'So, we're going steady' and we laughed and he said 'If that's what you want to call it. Yeah.' Ridiculous. I love it.

I need to start working on my resume again soon. I just need to distract myself right now. I mean, I seriously considered suicide this morning. I think my brain needs a break from stress right now.

I'm trying not to panic, knowing that I don't have enough money to pay my rent right now. It's really difficult to function. I caved and got squishy this morning to prevent myself from hurting myself. I don't know how I'm going to get through this sober.

004. Apoptosis

Monday, January 2nd, 2012 01:09 am
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (Default)
So! I managed to finish reading 60 books in 2011. I'm disappointed that it wasn't more, such as the original 150, but I knew by the time I decided to go back to school for fall semester, I would have to settle for just 60. Books Read in 2011

I was much closer when it came to watching 300 DVDs (either movies or the discs of TV show episodes)... I made it to 209! DVDs Watched in 2011 - A little bit out of order as I forgot about the list until December. Oops! I'll consider going back and adding the dates from Netflix instant, at least.

GOALS FOR 2012! Books to Read? 150! DVDs to Watch? 250!

Now, for the bad news... I got fired from Coffee Cartel on Thursday, the 29th, by the owner. I wasn't given an exact reason, rather it seemed a bit cumulative and muchly do to my high level of stress. As much as I loved working there, the people who I worked with, and the regulars who made my day when they came in, I can't stay angry. I am, however, very depressed right now. I'm trying to put my life into perspective and be grateful for all that I do have, but it's extremely difficult when I just lost my job, the one thing that had defined me since April 2010. I feel like a part of me was murdered, and I'm ashamed to admit that I totally begged him to reconsider, even though I knew he wouldn't. I cried for five hours straight and woke up the next day with hideous bags under my eyes. Grieving... I keep thinking I've gone through Kubler-Ross's five stages... Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Then, I start haphazardly cycling back through them all. It's super fun as you can probably guess.

At least now I can make out with Pepé as Emma so tactfully put it. Heh. Yeah... *goofy grin*

I've still been going to Cartel every single day and I still consider Frogger (the general manager) to be my bestest friend in the whole wide world. As far as I can tell, everyone still likes me. Even people who I didn't think did, have told me that we're still friends and have expressed sympathy. My regulars who I have spoken to about it, because I care about them and don't want them to just disappear from my life, have also apologized and given me hugs. *goofier grin*

It doesn't prevent me from being depressed, though. I've already applied for unemployment and submitted ten online job applications. I'm waiting until Tuesday to go job hunting on foot because I don't want to be the annoying insect of a person waltzing in on the Monday after two major holidays. Yeah, no thanks. That's like the equivalent of calling to ask if we're hiring in the middle of a lunch rush. I have one last paycheck coming to me and approximately $90 to my name as of right now. I'm going to pay my rent ($365) on the 6th, when I get my last check. Hopefully, I get unemployment with no issues and it's enough to pay the minimum $210+ in my other bills. I dropped out of the only class I was going to take this semester and I'm going to go get my $66 refund from cashier's office. And, I have other bills that I'm really scared about and none of this includes food for myself or my kit-kats. Yay.

At least I have Frogger, Llama, Pepé, Emma, Mama Nerd, and everyone else in my life who has been supportive of me. Without them, I'm pretty sure I would've just killed myself. Seems melodramatic, but considering how difficult it is to find a job in St. Louis, especially when you don't have a driver's license or a college degree yet, I really think it's a good back-up plan.

I'm so fucked.

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ohmyfurandwhiskers: (Default)
D. Troy

July 2012

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