ohmyfurandwhiskers: (big geek grin! :D)
I spent a few hours at Coffee Cartel yesterday because Frogger (my best friend) and Emma (another good friend) were working the day shift. I finally finished a book! Dave Pelzer's 'Help Yourself'. I was going to work on reading more of 'Too Scared To Cry' but I was in too weird of a mind state to do so or stay. I got upset with Pepé because he didn't understand what I was trying to say to him and it always irritates me when I feel like he's not on my side when he should be. URG.

Anyway, I went home earlier than I expected to and ranted for ten minutes about it and played WoW for the rest of the night. This is my Squeakeeh. A Blood Elf Shadow Priest. I'm really only a casual player because the newest dungeons and any type of raid at all puts me on the verge of panicking. Last night I finally got the following achievements...

Fistful of Love - Which required me to camp out in an enemy city (Stormwind). I died several times but because you can see enemies around your body when you're dead, I was still able to resurrect and throw flowers at my intended targets before I was killed again. Totally worth it.

Explore Twilight Highlands - Just exploring one of the newer areas.

Silver in the City - Required a lot of fishing in a small fountain in the old sanctuary city in Northrend. I had to find a list of certain coins and I had a lot of good fortune last night in that area. It gave me something to do whilst watching Numb3rs via Netflix on my phone.

Illustrious Grand Master Fisherman - Finally maxed out my fishing skill after playing for three years or so. HAH!

I'm mostly working on leveling my archaeology skill, hunting herbs, fishing out pools, and returning quests I've had for a long time as I fly all over the old world. I have yet to be killed by Deathwing, sadly. I am also trying to add to the numbers for guild achievements such as fishing up 10,000 fish from pools and killing 50,000 critters. It staves off the boredom of my life and it gives me something to do whilst watching stuff on Netflix. I hate not doing anything with my hands when I'm watching shows or movies.

I just finished watching one of my favorite movies, Clean Slate, and, now, I have four shots of espresso over ice to drink and some jobs to apply for. ADIOS.

P.S. Whoa. Weird throbbing coming from under my left eyebrow... The fuck is this?
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (quiet streets of venice)
Today I had a MRI scan! I spent an hour and a half working through paper and computer tests, which made me suspicious that my IQ was secretly being tested. After that was finished, one of the girls working on the study led me through the halls to the room where they keep the scanner and we met up with the lovely woman who did my assessment at UMSL. Once in the viewing room, which had the MRI Guy who helped me get through the tests, Lovely Woman, Other Girl, and Random Guy, I had to take off my glasses and was fitted with goggles that had pop-in lenses to match up with my prescription because there would be computer tests during the scans.

While I was being set up for the scan, I had to put in earbuds (because the MRI machine makes REALLY LOUD beeping and bangs most of the time you're in), so I felt like I was back in shop class. And then, I had to lay down on a cushioned board with my head in a plastic case, put headphones w/ mic on over the earbuds and goggles and that was all topped off with a plastic cage over my face so then I felt like Hannibal Lecter. After that, the machine lifted me up and slid me into the machine, which was like a perfect fit. It made me wonder if there are differently sized MRI machines for people who are taller and/or weigh more. Another random thought: How did what looks like splashes of coffee get on the inside of the MRI machine?! Strange.

At first it was okay but then the machine started making this horrible beeping for like 8-10 minutes and I thought it was an alarm or something. Freaked me the fuck out. Loud, random beeping, shaking, vibrating, banging, and whatnot, for two hours. I had to stare at a plus sign on a screen for four tests and almost fell asleep throughout all of them. And, then, another test which is boring to explain but made me feel stupid because the pictures I had to say were similar or dissimilar flashed so quickly. My eyes started playing tricks on me. Oy...

Afterward, I walked super fast to get to Golden Grocer before they closed so I could buy more coconut/almond milk ($1 off combined due to them being new products), tofu (got ten cents off the sale price because I dropped it and still bought it even thought it leaked all over me, heh) and falafel chips (pretty much 2 for the price of 1 since they're "expired"). And then I went to Coffee Cartel for four shots over ice. And sung this to it in my head on my way to my apartment...

(I rewrote parts of NIN song about loving coffee and hating people who were driving/almost ran me over...)

i want to drink you like an animal
i want to feel you on the inside
i want to drink you like i'm an alkie
my whole existence is tired
you get me closer to NOTWANTINGTOSCREAMATPEOPLEWHOAREDRIVINGWITHTHEIRPENISES

help me
tear down my fatigue
help me
it's your crema i smell
help me
you make me perfect
help me
think of how nice it would be to beat these idiots over the head with their champagne bottles and then EATTHEIRROSES!!!

So that was my day!

Oh, for VDay, I bought Pepé a rose and took it to him at Cartel last night. There was also sexytimes. And I don't think he'll have a problem with me putting his picture up here so... Le picture of Monsieur Pepé )
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (painted flowers)
I am an incredibly fortunate person. I may not have a job, which really, really sucks, but I at least have the money to eat healthily and buy coffee. I have super wonderful friends, especially one who goes by the name of Pepé (he's pretty awesome). If I were prettier, better at playing WoW, and more likely hyperventilate, I might feel closer to Codex than I am.

And the really awesome thing about eating the way I have been since the end of December is that I am learning a lot about moderation and, obviously, nutrition. I have more energy, less headaches, and I've lost weight! Yay!

I went to Straub's to buy some more tortillas and tomatoes when I ran into the guy who works in the prepared food section who I talk to whenever I'm there. I decided to get some cucumber/tomato salad because it's cheap and whatnot. And he asked me how I get protein in my diet since I don't eat meat and gave the whole "If god didn't want us to eat meat, he wouldn't make it taste like... meat" and I really wanted to just quirk a brow and back away slowly. First of all, that didn't make any sense at all. Secondly, it also assumes that I believe in some god that would disapprove of my eating habits. And, thirdly, you work in the prepared section of a grocery store! Why are you questioning my eating habits? I'm not super sensitive about it, but it just seems absurd that anyone who works in a grocery store would ask that question (which I wouldn't've minded answering) and then follow it with that statement. I just said I eat a lot of tofu and he made a face. Meh. I WILL EAT SO MUCH TOFU AND ENJOY IT MORE THAN YOU SHALL EVER ENJOY YOUR ANIMAL FLESH! *breathes* That's right, Straub's man. I said it. Now back off, mister.

I have been watching a lot of Family Guy in the past two days. OMG. I feel like it's rewiring my brain. Stewie is the best cartoon character in the world.
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (wintry roadway)
Last night, I spent time with Pepé and slept over at his apartment. We watched Parks and Recreation and tried to watch Sherlock but fell asleep due to the effects of vodka and sexytime. I realized when I got home that I say a lot of ridiculous things when I'm drunk, which I'm sure everyone does, but I feel that I say ridiculous enough things sober without drunk-talking. But, then again, so does Pepé so I guess we're even.

I spent today stuffing my stomach full of blueberries and mushrooms, watching Numb3rs, applying for more jobs, and now, I'm think about playing some WoW (FINALLY doing the Firelands quests). *geek face on*
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (live long and prosper)
Pepé and I are back together! Huzzah! It happened Wednesday, February 1st, when I brought a bottle of wine over to his apartment to talk. Admittedly, I was planning on us finally doing sexstuff if he still wanted me at all and it turned out that he indeed still wanted me! Muchly, actually. I am very happy with this. There was sexstuff... thrice. And since that night, once more. After which I got a bit sick after having had too much wine and he was very thoughtful and sweet to me before, during, and after that. He thought to order me food from Jimmy John's, which I'm very grateful to for being open at 3am and delivering, those nutters. We've had an argument since then after I made a joke and he thought I meant it seriously and that led to a Talk. But, overall, everything is very good.

I may have mentioned this previously but I am participating in a research study with UMSL and Wash U., the project title being Abnormality of Emotional Circuitry as a Biomarker in PTSD. The purpose of the study is to "identify brain biomarkers of PTSD, namely emotional circuit abnormalities in the brain. Identification of these markers in PTSD will increase our understanding of neurobiological systems involved in its development, clinical course, and response to treatment. PTSD is the most common presenting complaint following trauma exposure. The presence of PTSD is significantly related to impairment in social, occupational, and other important areas of functioning, and can lead to intrusive thoughts and feelings of guilt, helplessness, and hopelessness, and higher risk of feeling suicidal."

I feel that most of my problems with anxiety and depression stem from being raped and developing PTSD, especially with the lack of emotional support I received throughout my life. I also believe that this largely contributed to my difficulty in maintaining a state of emotion at work, home, and when I'm with others anywhere. I have always thought this but the more and more research that I do on my own, the more I realize how right I am in assuming so.

The problem is that it doesn't do me any good at all. In fact, it makes me feel worse because this just means I will likely always have these problems. I can learn ways to counteract my thought processes and try to talk myself out of my reflexive and, mostly, uncontrollable thoughts and feelings, but they're all just mental bandages. Sometimes, when it's really bad, it's like trying to apply pressure after an artery has been cut open. No one understands this, except others who have been traumatized. It's never as easy as counting back from ten or taking a walk to clear your head.

I've only ever met a very small number of people who truly understand I can rarely control my thoughts and emotions. I am not that great of an actress, and frankly, I shouldn't have to act a certain way to appease others. Why should I (or anyone else) feel further victimized by people who don't understand? Blame the people who caused the trauma. Victim-blaming is such a complex and rampant issue. It's heartbreaking and life-destroying.

Anyway, honestly, this PTSD study is a very good thing. I will be getting a MRI and blood work done on Tuesday as well as doing computer tests. After that, I start my twelve therapy sessions at UMSL's building for trauma research. And then I get another MRI, more computer testing, and bloodwork. After that, I get paid approximately $150 for my time.

There was more I wanted to write about but I think I've word-vomited here enough for one day.

Oh, but --->side note<---, I adore this song. When I first heard it, I added it to my repertoire for writing inspiration. It's a very well done version of the song that I connected to immediately. I later found out that this is Frogger and her Llama's song, which is a bit... awkward because it reminds me of something entirely different than it does them and I often hear it when I'm with them so... Yeah. Heh. Well, that's music for you, right?

014. Amygdala.

Thursday, January 19th, 2012 02:10 pm
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (Default)
Pepé and I are over, supposedly "on hold". No job. More tears. I want to give up. The only things really keeping me going are Frogger and her Llama and my kit-kats, Quinn and Kaylee.
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (live long and prosper)
Since Friday I have...

Gone to Chimichanga's with Pepé, Frogger, and her Llama. A "double date" as Llama exclaimed.

Gone to Heartbreakers on the Landing and Attitudes Nightclub in the Grove where Llama works.

Witnessed my first drag show (at Attitudes)! And saw Tyler Cross (Siren) perform live! I've known of him for so long so to see him perform live was incredible. And, I was so much more comfortable in that gay nightclub than I've ever been in anywhere so crowded. I think this makes sense considering my fear of drunk, straight men. (McHenry had been drinking the night he raped me and ever since I've not trusted drunk men.) I had people shoving up against me but I didn't feel like I was about to lose my mind at all. I was more worried about not pushing Frogger and Llama or their friend as a result because we were standing right at the side of the stage. Hey! I even used the restroom there... twice! I mean, I covered the entire thing in toilet paper because, ew, but it's the little things, right? Heh.

Had lunch at The Drunken Fish on Saturday with Cartel's Poltergeist, my favorite ex-manager who left Cartel one year ago to teach. Frogger joined us and I ate way too much. Oh, the seaweed salad! I was glad that I had the gift cards from the Cartel Christmas party.

On Sunday, Pepé and I had our first argument. And then we handled it on Monday, via text because he was at work and I didn't really want to discuss it in person anyway out of fear of a bigger argument. We haven't hung out since yet although we do have plans to do so today. It all came down to me needing him to be more supportive and him being sarcastic and blunt instead.

Got a call about a job interview at Dierbergs for Thursday, which Frogger is giving me a ride to because it's at a different location than where I would be working. Strange, but I hope I get it. I've been going crazy with nothing productive to do.

Did my taxes. Supposedly, I'll be getting enough back to cover what I owe my bank, which is over $450 at this point, and have enough left over to hopefully pay for my expenses to get out of this apartment. There's no way I'm going to have enough money to pay for another month's rent and I cannot keep borrowing against future direct deposits so I really need to talk to my friends about maybe staying with one of them. I'm trying not to think about it too much but my unemployment checks still haven't come through. I'm getting further and further in debt and there's nothing I can do about it.

012. "EAGLE!"

Wednesday, January 11th, 2012 12:16 pm
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (...)
I have been trying really hard on my new vegan diet. So far it's been really easy and it's been giving me a reason to look up things that have always interested me. And, I've noticed that since I've started eating certain foods every day since The Incident, I've felt more alert. The only problem is that I'm having a lot of trouble keeping my energy high and I have been sort of light-headed. It's something I've always had trouble with so I bought some vegan peanut butter (niacin!), cashews, and almond juice and I'm trying harder to take my iron supplements. If this doesn't work, once my unemployment checks I'm going to buy chickpeas and spinach. And, I can always use the SubZero gift card I got for Christmas to buy seaweed salad (unf, miss it so much).

So full of carrots, celery, and peanut butter right now, it's not even funny.

I spent last night with Pepé, despite the intense pain in my gums/head. I don't know how he puts up with me sometimes, I swear. I can be so grumpy in the morning and self-conscious ALL OF THE TIME. WHY DOES HE PUT UP WITH ME? HOW CAN HE POSSIBLY LIKE ME?! GAHHH!!! Okay. I can deal with this. I can figure out a way to be more patient and less self-analytic. Or at least try harder to, anyway. I like him a lot and I appreciate the way he treats me so... Yeah. Going to try harder.

Depending on whether or not my dental bridge is a problem, I might be participating in a study on PTSD at Wash. U. and UMSL. Over the course of it, I'd have two MRIs and twelve weeks of treatment. I'm hopeful but I was hopeful about the job opening at Teavana. Meh. It's really difficult to not just lay in bed, staring at the ceiling all day, every day.


009. Punish

Tuesday, January 3rd, 2012 08:39 pm
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (remember love)
I've been watching a lot of documentaries lately, which I can't decide is a bad thing or not considering it forces me to think about how shitty our world is. I've watched three on religion, one on dumpster diving, and the one I'm watching right now is about Wal-Mart's horrible business practices. When I can't stop thinking and I start getting really, really depressed and need to escape those thoughts, I put Scrubs on. I don't know what I would do without Netflix to distract me.

Or, without Pepé. This morning, I came up with a plan if I can't find a job and the only thing that kept me from following through with it right then was reminding myself that he cares about me. He puts headphones on when he plays Call of Duty because he knows I hate the sound of gunfire (I have trouble enough watching shows like Law & Order) and put them on when I was still sleeping and he wanted to listen to music. He never pushes me and apologizes when I tell him if I feel pressured by something. He's incredibly patient and generous... buying me coffee and a muffin already. He cares. And... we're exclusive. Heh. Like teenagers, I swear. When we were talking about it, I said 'So, we're going steady' and we laughed and he said 'If that's what you want to call it. Yeah.' Ridiculous. I love it.

I need to start working on my resume again soon. I just need to distract myself right now. I mean, I seriously considered suicide this morning. I think my brain needs a break from stress right now.

I'm trying not to panic, knowing that I don't have enough money to pay my rent right now. It's really difficult to function. I caved and got squishy this morning to prevent myself from hurting myself. I don't know how I'm going to get through this sober.
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (remember love)
He's totally the Andy to my April. ♥

(We're watching Parks & Recreation together and it's pretty much the best way to spend time ever.)

004. Apoptosis

Monday, January 2nd, 2012 01:09 am
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (Default)
So! I managed to finish reading 60 books in 2011. I'm disappointed that it wasn't more, such as the original 150, but I knew by the time I decided to go back to school for fall semester, I would have to settle for just 60. Books Read in 2011

I was much closer when it came to watching 300 DVDs (either movies or the discs of TV show episodes)... I made it to 209! DVDs Watched in 2011 - A little bit out of order as I forgot about the list until December. Oops! I'll consider going back and adding the dates from Netflix instant, at least.

GOALS FOR 2012! Books to Read? 150! DVDs to Watch? 250!

Now, for the bad news... I got fired from Coffee Cartel on Thursday, the 29th, by the owner. I wasn't given an exact reason, rather it seemed a bit cumulative and muchly do to my high level of stress. As much as I loved working there, the people who I worked with, and the regulars who made my day when they came in, I can't stay angry. I am, however, very depressed right now. I'm trying to put my life into perspective and be grateful for all that I do have, but it's extremely difficult when I just lost my job, the one thing that had defined me since April 2010. I feel like a part of me was murdered, and I'm ashamed to admit that I totally begged him to reconsider, even though I knew he wouldn't. I cried for five hours straight and woke up the next day with hideous bags under my eyes. Grieving... I keep thinking I've gone through Kubler-Ross's five stages... Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Then, I start haphazardly cycling back through them all. It's super fun as you can probably guess.

At least now I can make out with Pepé as Emma so tactfully put it. Heh. Yeah... *goofy grin*

I've still been going to Cartel every single day and I still consider Frogger (the general manager) to be my bestest friend in the whole wide world. As far as I can tell, everyone still likes me. Even people who I didn't think did, have told me that we're still friends and have expressed sympathy. My regulars who I have spoken to about it, because I care about them and don't want them to just disappear from my life, have also apologized and given me hugs. *goofier grin*

It doesn't prevent me from being depressed, though. I've already applied for unemployment and submitted ten online job applications. I'm waiting until Tuesday to go job hunting on foot because I don't want to be the annoying insect of a person waltzing in on the Monday after two major holidays. Yeah, no thanks. That's like the equivalent of calling to ask if we're hiring in the middle of a lunch rush. I have one last paycheck coming to me and approximately $90 to my name as of right now. I'm going to pay my rent ($365) on the 6th, when I get my last check. Hopefully, I get unemployment with no issues and it's enough to pay the minimum $210+ in my other bills. I dropped out of the only class I was going to take this semester and I'm going to go get my $66 refund from cashier's office. And, I have other bills that I'm really scared about and none of this includes food for myself or my kit-kats. Yay.

At least I have Frogger, Llama, Pepé, Emma, Mama Nerd, and everyone else in my life who has been supportive of me. Without them, I'm pretty sure I would've just killed myself. Seems melodramatic, but considering how difficult it is to find a job in St. Louis, especially when you don't have a driver's license or a college degree yet, I really think it's a good back-up plan.

I'm so fucked.

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D. Troy

July 2012

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