ohmyfurandwhiskers: (quiet streets of venice)
Today I had a MRI scan! I spent an hour and a half working through paper and computer tests, which made me suspicious that my IQ was secretly being tested. After that was finished, one of the girls working on the study led me through the halls to the room where they keep the scanner and we met up with the lovely woman who did my assessment at UMSL. Once in the viewing room, which had the MRI Guy who helped me get through the tests, Lovely Woman, Other Girl, and Random Guy, I had to take off my glasses and was fitted with goggles that had pop-in lenses to match up with my prescription because there would be computer tests during the scans.

While I was being set up for the scan, I had to put in earbuds (because the MRI machine makes REALLY LOUD beeping and bangs most of the time you're in), so I felt like I was back in shop class. And then, I had to lay down on a cushioned board with my head in a plastic case, put headphones w/ mic on over the earbuds and goggles and that was all topped off with a plastic cage over my face so then I felt like Hannibal Lecter. After that, the machine lifted me up and slid me into the machine, which was like a perfect fit. It made me wonder if there are differently sized MRI machines for people who are taller and/or weigh more. Another random thought: How did what looks like splashes of coffee get on the inside of the MRI machine?! Strange.

At first it was okay but then the machine started making this horrible beeping for like 8-10 minutes and I thought it was an alarm or something. Freaked me the fuck out. Loud, random beeping, shaking, vibrating, banging, and whatnot, for two hours. I had to stare at a plus sign on a screen for four tests and almost fell asleep throughout all of them. And, then, another test which is boring to explain but made me feel stupid because the pictures I had to say were similar or dissimilar flashed so quickly. My eyes started playing tricks on me. Oy...

Afterward, I walked super fast to get to Golden Grocer before they closed so I could buy more coconut/almond milk ($1 off combined due to them being new products), tofu (got ten cents off the sale price because I dropped it and still bought it even thought it leaked all over me, heh) and falafel chips (pretty much 2 for the price of 1 since they're "expired"). And then I went to Coffee Cartel for four shots over ice. And sung this to it in my head on my way to my apartment...

(I rewrote parts of NIN song about loving coffee and hating people who were driving/almost ran me over...)

i want to drink you like an animal
i want to feel you on the inside
i want to drink you like i'm an alkie
my whole existence is tired
you get me closer to NOTWANTINGTOSCREAMATPEOPLEWHOAREDRIVINGWITHTHEIRPENISES

help me
tear down my fatigue
help me
it's your crema i smell
help me
you make me perfect
help me
think of how nice it would be to beat these idiots over the head with their champagne bottles and then EATTHEIRROSES!!!

So that was my day!

Oh, for VDay, I bought Pepé a rose and took it to him at Cartel last night. There was also sexytimes. And I don't think he'll have a problem with me putting his picture up here so... Le picture of Monsieur Pepé )
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (live long and prosper)
Pepé and I are back together! Huzzah! It happened Wednesday, February 1st, when I brought a bottle of wine over to his apartment to talk. Admittedly, I was planning on us finally doing sexstuff if he still wanted me at all and it turned out that he indeed still wanted me! Muchly, actually. I am very happy with this. There was sexstuff... thrice. And since that night, once more. After which I got a bit sick after having had too much wine and he was very thoughtful and sweet to me before, during, and after that. He thought to order me food from Jimmy John's, which I'm very grateful to for being open at 3am and delivering, those nutters. We've had an argument since then after I made a joke and he thought I meant it seriously and that led to a Talk. But, overall, everything is very good.

I may have mentioned this previously but I am participating in a research study with UMSL and Wash U., the project title being Abnormality of Emotional Circuitry as a Biomarker in PTSD. The purpose of the study is to "identify brain biomarkers of PTSD, namely emotional circuit abnormalities in the brain. Identification of these markers in PTSD will increase our understanding of neurobiological systems involved in its development, clinical course, and response to treatment. PTSD is the most common presenting complaint following trauma exposure. The presence of PTSD is significantly related to impairment in social, occupational, and other important areas of functioning, and can lead to intrusive thoughts and feelings of guilt, helplessness, and hopelessness, and higher risk of feeling suicidal."

I feel that most of my problems with anxiety and depression stem from being raped and developing PTSD, especially with the lack of emotional support I received throughout my life. I also believe that this largely contributed to my difficulty in maintaining a state of emotion at work, home, and when I'm with others anywhere. I have always thought this but the more and more research that I do on my own, the more I realize how right I am in assuming so.

The problem is that it doesn't do me any good at all. In fact, it makes me feel worse because this just means I will likely always have these problems. I can learn ways to counteract my thought processes and try to talk myself out of my reflexive and, mostly, uncontrollable thoughts and feelings, but they're all just mental bandages. Sometimes, when it's really bad, it's like trying to apply pressure after an artery has been cut open. No one understands this, except others who have been traumatized. It's never as easy as counting back from ten or taking a walk to clear your head.

I've only ever met a very small number of people who truly understand I can rarely control my thoughts and emotions. I am not that great of an actress, and frankly, I shouldn't have to act a certain way to appease others. Why should I (or anyone else) feel further victimized by people who don't understand? Blame the people who caused the trauma. Victim-blaming is such a complex and rampant issue. It's heartbreaking and life-destroying.

Anyway, honestly, this PTSD study is a very good thing. I will be getting a MRI and blood work done on Tuesday as well as doing computer tests. After that, I start my twelve therapy sessions at UMSL's building for trauma research. And then I get another MRI, more computer testing, and bloodwork. After that, I get paid approximately $150 for my time.

There was more I wanted to write about but I think I've word-vomited here enough for one day.

Oh, but --->side note<---, I adore this song. When I first heard it, I added it to my repertoire for writing inspiration. It's a very well done version of the song that I connected to immediately. I later found out that this is Frogger and her Llama's song, which is a bit... awkward because it reminds me of something entirely different than it does them and I often hear it when I'm with them so... Yeah. Heh. Well, that's music for you, right?

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D. Troy

July 2012

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