ohmyfurandwhiskers: (painted flowers)
2012-02-12 07:25 pm

021. "I love this job more than I love taffy. And I'm a man who enjoys his taffy."

I am an incredibly fortunate person. I may not have a job, which really, really sucks, but I at least have the money to eat healthily and buy coffee. I have super wonderful friends, especially one who goes by the name of Pepé (he's pretty awesome). If I were prettier, better at playing WoW, and more likely hyperventilate, I might feel closer to Codex than I am.

And the really awesome thing about eating the way I have been since the end of December is that I am learning a lot about moderation and, obviously, nutrition. I have more energy, less headaches, and I've lost weight! Yay!

I went to Straub's to buy some more tortillas and tomatoes when I ran into the guy who works in the prepared food section who I talk to whenever I'm there. I decided to get some cucumber/tomato salad because it's cheap and whatnot. And he asked me how I get protein in my diet since I don't eat meat and gave the whole "If god didn't want us to eat meat, he wouldn't make it taste like... meat" and I really wanted to just quirk a brow and back away slowly. First of all, that didn't make any sense at all. Secondly, it also assumes that I believe in some god that would disapprove of my eating habits. And, thirdly, you work in the prepared section of a grocery store! Why are you questioning my eating habits? I'm not super sensitive about it, but it just seems absurd that anyone who works in a grocery store would ask that question (which I wouldn't've minded answering) and then follow it with that statement. I just said I eat a lot of tofu and he made a face. Meh. I WILL EAT SO MUCH TOFU AND ENJOY IT MORE THAN YOU SHALL EVER ENJOY YOUR ANIMAL FLESH! *breathes* That's right, Straub's man. I said it. Now back off, mister.

I have been watching a lot of Family Guy in the past two days. OMG. I feel like it's rewiring my brain. Stewie is the best cartoon character in the world.
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (wintry roadway)
2012-02-11 07:34 pm

020. "My game has vastly improved."

Last night, I spent time with Pepé and slept over at his apartment. We watched Parks and Recreation and tried to watch Sherlock but fell asleep due to the effects of vodka and sexytime. I realized when I got home that I say a lot of ridiculous things when I'm drunk, which I'm sure everyone does, but I feel that I say ridiculous enough things sober without drunk-talking. But, then again, so does Pepé so I guess we're even.

I spent today stuffing my stomach full of blueberries and mushrooms, watching Numb3rs, applying for more jobs, and now, I'm think about playing some WoW (FINALLY doing the Firelands quests). *geek face on*
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (live long and prosper)
2012-02-10 05:13 pm

019. I am a wordy motherfucker.

Pepé and I are back together! Huzzah! It happened Wednesday, February 1st, when I brought a bottle of wine over to his apartment to talk. Admittedly, I was planning on us finally doing sexstuff if he still wanted me at all and it turned out that he indeed still wanted me! Muchly, actually. I am very happy with this. There was sexstuff... thrice. And since that night, once more. After which I got a bit sick after having had too much wine and he was very thoughtful and sweet to me before, during, and after that. He thought to order me food from Jimmy John's, which I'm very grateful to for being open at 3am and delivering, those nutters. We've had an argument since then after I made a joke and he thought I meant it seriously and that led to a Talk. But, overall, everything is very good.

I may have mentioned this previously but I am participating in a research study with UMSL and Wash U., the project title being Abnormality of Emotional Circuitry as a Biomarker in PTSD. The purpose of the study is to "identify brain biomarkers of PTSD, namely emotional circuit abnormalities in the brain. Identification of these markers in PTSD will increase our understanding of neurobiological systems involved in its development, clinical course, and response to treatment. PTSD is the most common presenting complaint following trauma exposure. The presence of PTSD is significantly related to impairment in social, occupational, and other important areas of functioning, and can lead to intrusive thoughts and feelings of guilt, helplessness, and hopelessness, and higher risk of feeling suicidal."

I feel that most of my problems with anxiety and depression stem from being raped and developing PTSD, especially with the lack of emotional support I received throughout my life. I also believe that this largely contributed to my difficulty in maintaining a state of emotion at work, home, and when I'm with others anywhere. I have always thought this but the more and more research that I do on my own, the more I realize how right I am in assuming so.

The problem is that it doesn't do me any good at all. In fact, it makes me feel worse because this just means I will likely always have these problems. I can learn ways to counteract my thought processes and try to talk myself out of my reflexive and, mostly, uncontrollable thoughts and feelings, but they're all just mental bandages. Sometimes, when it's really bad, it's like trying to apply pressure after an artery has been cut open. No one understands this, except others who have been traumatized. It's never as easy as counting back from ten or taking a walk to clear your head.

I've only ever met a very small number of people who truly understand I can rarely control my thoughts and emotions. I am not that great of an actress, and frankly, I shouldn't have to act a certain way to appease others. Why should I (or anyone else) feel further victimized by people who don't understand? Blame the people who caused the trauma. Victim-blaming is such a complex and rampant issue. It's heartbreaking and life-destroying.

Anyway, honestly, this PTSD study is a very good thing. I will be getting a MRI and blood work done on Tuesday as well as doing computer tests. After that, I start my twelve therapy sessions at UMSL's building for trauma research. And then I get another MRI, more computer testing, and bloodwork. After that, I get paid approximately $150 for my time.

There was more I wanted to write about but I think I've word-vomited here enough for one day.

Oh, but --->side note<---, I adore this song. When I first heard it, I added it to my repertoire for writing inspiration. It's a very well done version of the song that I connected to immediately. I later found out that this is Frogger and her Llama's song, which is a bit... awkward because it reminds me of something entirely different than it does them and I often hear it when I'm with them so... Yeah. Heh. Well, that's music for you, right?
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (painted flowers)
2012-01-25 06:54 pm

018. I need to stop pulling my eyelashes out...

Today I did some grocery shopping because my unemployment checks and tax refund are set to come through before my rent and other bills are due. I bought Earth Balance peanut butter (it's vegan, sweetened with agave syrup, and has no excess oil), Organic Girl's supergreen mix (baby red chard, baby tat soi, baby spinach, baby green swiss chard, and baby arugula), Turkish figs, cashews, apple chips, some awesome tortilla chips, a big container of Vegenaise (incredibly useful in wraps and as veggie dip), and Almond Dream's vanilla flavored almond milk, all from Golden Grocer. Then I went to Straub's where I got two tomatoes, three more oranges, a sweet potato, an avocado, and wheat tortillas for wraps. Yay! I have food! :D

Today's lunch (including calories per serving) consisted of a banana (105) with peanut butter (190), two oranges (140), some apple chips (140), and an almond milk latte (150) with four shots of espresso (4). Rounded up that's 730 calories. I have read that the first meal of your day should contain a good portion of your calorie intake because your body will need to utilize the nutrients quickly after being unconscious while asleep. I've also heard that drinking a cup of water first thing in the morning is a very good way to help get rid of toxins lingering in your system from the previous day. Not entirely sure if that's entirely true, but I like to think that it can't hurt your kidneys.

My lunch's nutritional information: High in... vitamins A, B1 (thiamine), B2 (riboflavin), B5 (pantothenic acid), B6, B12 (cobalamin), C, D, and E, calcium, carbohydrates, dietary fiber, fat (maintaining the correct percentage for your body type and lifestyle is essential), iron, magnesium, manganese, niacin (essential for energy metabolism in the cells), phosphorous, potassium, and zinc.

And low in... Cholesterol and saturated fat.

Sodium is high in the espresso. I try to balance it by ensuring I drink enough water. And, I try to limit the amount of added sugar in my diet. I really need to make sure I keep my vitamin C high. I already have severely low iron as it is and taking my iron supplements is only useful if I'm able to absorb it, and vitamin C helps that. And, considering my lack of an active daily routine, I've decided it's probably best to limit my calorie intake to a more reasonable 1,200 max. I've mentioned in a previous entry that I have slow digestion and average metabolism, so a sedentary lifestyle, doesn't necessitate too many calories, which I won't be able to burn off. It would basically be wasting food and if I ate food higher in calories, it would be higher in fat and dietary fiber, of which I'm already meeting my daily needs.

If I get hungry later, I'll have a cup of carrot slices (40-60) with some Vegenaise (135) and a few of those Turkish figs (120 for two) that I bought. And the great thing about the apple chips is that they're healthy (dried fruit, all natural, with just a bit of oil - good fat and high in vitamin C), tasty, and low in calories, compared to potato chips.

I've also noticed that in the past month, I have not had a single migraine and very few headaches unrelated to a toothache I had earlier in the month. I attribute this not just to less-stress (school and work-related) but also to the elimination of artificial flavoring and chemical additives (mainly processed sugars such as sucralose) in my diet.

I may go out for a cup of coffee later. Not sure. I want to check up on a friend who's working at Coffee Cartel right now and is going through the aftermath of a break-up.
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (nighttime in italy)
2012-01-25 03:22 am

017. The subject line for my last entry was inspired by this event...

Security guard shoots man at Rock Road Metrolink station

In case the link goes all wonkadoo )

And, this is what I wrote about it on Facebook...

I was on my way to UMSL, on the same train this security guard got on, one or two stops before the Rock Road station. When we arrived at the RR station, even above No Doubt playing on my iPod, I could hear the men involved shouting and then watched as the security guy ran, full-speed down the platform and toward the other side. Everyone around me was super interested, turning around, talking about it, and pointing, which I didn't understand and never will.

Why would you want to witness violence? I spend most of life trying to avoid anything traumatic ever happening to me again. That's why I never turned around. I saw this security guard seconds before he had to shoot someone. It's not like in watching the movies. Real violence, real trauma sticks with you. I hope this guard will be okay, mentally, soon.

Just... if you're not a bystander, if you're not unwillingly involved, why the fuck would you want to be? So you can go and tell other people about it? So you can have a story? Well, this security guard has The Story. I'm sure he's thrilled about it.


It really bothered me the way that everyone was reacting. Thinking about it, after reading what happened, made me cry. Someone I care a lot about who has many nicknames, one of them being Grizzly Jenks, is a police officer. And he has been through a lot on the job. I can't even imagine what he goes through in situations like this because I avoid them but he is the one who puts his life in danger every single day. This security guard, saw the gun, and he ran to stop what was happening. That's incredible to me. Some assholes will say it's his job to do that, but he's the type of man who would choose a job where he knows one of the risks is that his life can be put in danger every time he starts his shift. The situation could have been so much worse. I don't understand why anyone would gawk at it and fucking involve themselves in it to satisfy some sick desire to see real-life violence for a story they can tell their friends and families. It had nothing to do with any of them. Yes, it was loud and caught everyone's attention, but the fact that people were staring, pointing, and telling people who were on their phones to look, that is truly what makes me angry and disgusted.

I just hope this security guard will be okay. I was watching him the whole time from when he got on the train because he was right in my line of vision. I think the next time I use the MetroLink and see a security guard, I will directly thank them.

And, the reason I was on my way to UMSL? To participate in a study on PTSD and trauma. I never want to be a spectator to an act of violence. Ever. It's been 11 and a half years and I'm still not over being raped. I would never want to see someone be shot... but all those people? They disgust me. They wanted to see something.
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (live long and prosper)
2012-01-25 02:34 am

016. I will not be a spectator to a real-life crime.

More information on Black March and the FB page for those who read this and won't know what I'm babbling about. Hopefully, SOPA, PIPA, and ACTA all sound familiar though.

This is my response to the ignorance surrounding the issue....

Black March is not about boycotting independent artists or businesses. It's about boycotting copyrighted products that corporations make so much money on, the same corporations that greedily support SOPA, PIPA, ACTA, any future legislation that takes away the rights of consumers and internet users. These corporations are obsessed with money (and who cares who gets hurt or whose privacy is destroyed) whereas independent artists and businesses just want to reach people with their music, art, words, etc (and, yeah, hopefully earn enough money to do it full-time/not worry about money). The government taking away websites/ways to help artists share their music and art their way via the internet means they're hurting artists too.

I fully suggest and support shopping at local, independent businesses who purchase their inventories from distributors in small, reasonable quantities, as opposed to from warehouses and keeping unnecessary back inventory, which, in the end, comes down on the employees who work the floors of corporate stores when they can't make enough profit. If you want a newspaper or magazine, support the guy who runs his own news stand or the local, indie bookstore or read it at your school or city library. If you want new music, borrow a CD from a friend, swap mix CDs, or tune into a radio station you've never listened to before. Books? Again, local/indie bookstores, libraries, friends, and thrift shops all have them. Want to hear live music? Check to see where local venues are and look for musicians you've never heard of before. There are art shows happening all the time in indie cafes and libraries. See if you have a local newspaper and use it to your advantage. You could even make new connections this way if you've been looking for ways to break into the local music or art scene.

As for me? I will be putting my Netflix account on hold (supporters of this legislation make money off Netflix), not accessing websites run by corporations who support legislation that will destroy privacy and impose censorship, and continue to help raise awareness both online and in the St. Louis art and music communities.
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (beauty of paris)
2012-01-22 03:49 pm
Entry tags:

015. "I said don't eat the eyes!"

Learning how to read ingredient lists and understanding nutritional information is a very rare skill. There is so much ignorance surrounding food intake, it's sort of astounding. I can understand, though, that the enormity of the situation is really too difficult for most people to comprehend. It's so much easier to just eat whatever looks good and ignore the fact that they're filling their bodies with food that has been severely processed using parts of animals they would never otherwise want near their mouths, dyed to look more nutritious and/or delicious, and injected or sprayed with harmful chemicals and/hormones that they, in turn, digest.

I'm not going to claim that I have a perfect diet free from these things or that by walking down the street, breathing in car exhaust, drinking tap water, and living in an old apartment building, I'm not doing damage to my body. Somethings, though, we don't have a choice about and we have to live with the consequences of our environment. However, I do have a choice about what I eat and otherwise drink.

My choice is to partake in a vegan diet and try to minimize my use of clothing and other objects that may have animal products in them. My shoes, unfortunately, have leather in them. I bought them over a year ago before I even made the transition to vegetarianism. There is fake fur on the hood of the hoodie I wear most often. I also bought that over a year ago. These were choices I made then, that I am accepting now as a consequence of my past. I can only do what I can from here on to not buy anything with animal products in them.

I'm still learning, anyway. I don't go around telling people that what they're eating or buying is bad for them. I honestly don't care what other people eat or buy. If their beliefs happen to coincide with mine or they're genuinely interested in my diet (not interested in performing a minor interrogation about my health) then great! I enjoy discussing nutrition and food but I don't enjoy being told that it's more expensive (not necessarily true - it depends on what you eat regardless of your diet), it's not healthy, and that I'm going to make myself sick.

For instance, a lot of people spend over $20 on a single meal out of a minimum of three in one day. I know this from experience working for the past five years in food service and watching my own friends purchase food. That same amount of money can get me ingredients to make healthy lunches for four-six days. It's only more expensive based on where you purchase the food you eat. If you order a pizza, you spend $20 on the pizza, taxes, delivery fee, and tip. $20 can get me a pack of 6 vegan whole-grain tortillas, two tomatoes, a head of romaine lettuce, a jar of vegan mayonnaise, and two avocados and still have money leftover. Out of all those ingredients, someone explain what's unhealthy, expensive, and going to make me sick in someway about them.

My breakfast consists of carrots, a banana and some peanut butter. Potassium, fiber, niacin, vitamins A and C, B-vitamins, manganese, magnesium, sodium and iron. Coffee has more iron in it and if I add almond juice to it or have a latte, there's protein, vitamins D and E, magnesium, zinc, etc.

Those wraps I wrote about? They contain fiber, potassium, vitamins A, C and E, B-vitamins, folic acid, protein, sodium, iron, carbohydrates, phosphorus, manganese, magnesium, and calcium.

I rarely eat more than two meals a day, mostly because I'm not used to eating three times a day, and I have slow digestion coupled with average metabolism. My diet is low in unnecessary sodium, saturated fat, cholesterol, and sugar. The only problem I have is with keeping my vitamin C high. I recently bought a bag of frozen mango bits for less than $3 that are delicious and will help with me this for the past four days, minimum.

I drink maybe one cup of coffee a day and mostly water aside from that. I also bought vegan hot dogs recently, also for less than $3 to provide food for at least three days. That's more iron and protein.

Just needed to vent a bit. Non-food related entry coming soonish, I'm sure.

P. S. My new love? Figs.
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (Default)
2012-01-19 02:10 pm
Entry tags:

014. Amygdala.

Pepé and I are over, supposedly "on hold". No job. More tears. I want to give up. The only things really keeping me going are Frogger and her Llama and my kit-kats, Quinn and Kaylee.
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (live long and prosper)
2012-01-18 11:38 am

013. Happiness is the most dangerous state of mind.

Since Friday I have...

Gone to Chimichanga's with Pepé, Frogger, and her Llama. A "double date" as Llama exclaimed.

Gone to Heartbreakers on the Landing and Attitudes Nightclub in the Grove where Llama works.

Witnessed my first drag show (at Attitudes)! And saw Tyler Cross (Siren) perform live! I've known of him for so long so to see him perform live was incredible. And, I was so much more comfortable in that gay nightclub than I've ever been in anywhere so crowded. I think this makes sense considering my fear of drunk, straight men. (McHenry had been drinking the night he raped me and ever since I've not trusted drunk men.) I had people shoving up against me but I didn't feel like I was about to lose my mind at all. I was more worried about not pushing Frogger and Llama or their friend as a result because we were standing right at the side of the stage. Hey! I even used the restroom there... twice! I mean, I covered the entire thing in toilet paper because, ew, but it's the little things, right? Heh.

Had lunch at The Drunken Fish on Saturday with Cartel's Poltergeist, my favorite ex-manager who left Cartel one year ago to teach. Frogger joined us and I ate way too much. Oh, the seaweed salad! I was glad that I had the gift cards from the Cartel Christmas party.

On Sunday, Pepé and I had our first argument. And then we handled it on Monday, via text because he was at work and I didn't really want to discuss it in person anyway out of fear of a bigger argument. We haven't hung out since yet although we do have plans to do so today. It all came down to me needing him to be more supportive and him being sarcastic and blunt instead.

Got a call about a job interview at Dierbergs for Thursday, which Frogger is giving me a ride to because it's at a different location than where I would be working. Strange, but I hope I get it. I've been going crazy with nothing productive to do.

Did my taxes. Supposedly, I'll be getting enough back to cover what I owe my bank, which is over $450 at this point, and have enough left over to hopefully pay for my expenses to get out of this apartment. There's no way I'm going to have enough money to pay for another month's rent and I cannot keep borrowing against future direct deposits so I really need to talk to my friends about maybe staying with one of them. I'm trying not to think about it too much but my unemployment checks still haven't come through. I'm getting further and further in debt and there's nothing I can do about it.
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (...)
2012-01-11 12:16 pm
Entry tags:

012. "EAGLE!"

I have been trying really hard on my new vegan diet. So far it's been really easy and it's been giving me a reason to look up things that have always interested me. And, I've noticed that since I've started eating certain foods every day since The Incident, I've felt more alert. The only problem is that I'm having a lot of trouble keeping my energy high and I have been sort of light-headed. It's something I've always had trouble with so I bought some vegan peanut butter (niacin!), cashews, and almond juice and I'm trying harder to take my iron supplements. If this doesn't work, once my unemployment checks I'm going to buy chickpeas and spinach. And, I can always use the SubZero gift card I got for Christmas to buy seaweed salad (unf, miss it so much).

So full of carrots, celery, and peanut butter right now, it's not even funny.

I spent last night with Pepé, despite the intense pain in my gums/head. I don't know how he puts up with me sometimes, I swear. I can be so grumpy in the morning and self-conscious ALL OF THE TIME. WHY DOES HE PUT UP WITH ME? HOW CAN HE POSSIBLY LIKE ME?! GAHHH!!! Okay. I can deal with this. I can figure out a way to be more patient and less self-analytic. Or at least try harder to, anyway. I like him a lot and I appreciate the way he treats me so... Yeah. Going to try harder.

Depending on whether or not my dental bridge is a problem, I might be participating in a study on PTSD at Wash. U. and UMSL. Over the course of it, I'd have two MRIs and twelve weeks of treatment. I'm hopeful but I was hopeful about the job opening at Teavana. Meh. It's really difficult to not just lay in bed, staring at the ceiling all day, every day.

ohmyfurandwhiskers: (live long and prosper)
2012-01-08 02:02 pm
Entry tags:

011. "I still had a queasy feeling, like there was a chance I might throw up."

I just ate pig. On accident. My first thought was "No, that was not what I thought it was." Second thought was "THAT WAS EXACTLY WHAT I THOUGHT IT WAS!" Third thought was "I AM SO DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF RIGHT NOW, HOW COULD I EAT FLESH?! HOW CAN I EAT DAIRY? I AM NEVER ORDERING PIZZA AGAIN!" I had had points saved up from ordering pizza last year and was able to pay for the tax and a tip for $3.64 and I thought... "Yay! I have food for the next four days!" And now, I'm so disgusted with my myself, I feel like throwing it all up.

The point is that made me realize that I need to stop eating all flesh, including fish. I just can't do it anymore. That horrible feeling that swept over me and the instant image of a pig staring at me with a pained expression in its eyes... I don't know if it's pathetic but I feel like crying now. Ugh.

I have been trying really hard to cut all dairy byproducts out of my life but not hard enough. It's almond juice, soy cheese, tofu, and non-dairy everything else from now on. I'm also never ordering pizza again or eating at restaurants that aren't sensitive to vegetarians and vegans. I think it's quite obvious that corporations will never be sensitive to it so I don't care if it's essentially free food or not, I'm not ordering from any ever again just in case.

I've only been a vegetarian since June of last year and I'm most certainly not doing this because I think I'm better than meat-eaters. It's my own self-disgust that I feel I need to deal with this way. I also think it will be a much healthier decision and alternative for me. Besides, the vegan options are much more delicious/healthier than the products of torture and hormone-injections. Even free-range isn't healthier because all that means is that the chickens are allowed a slightly bigger area to walk around in but they still spend their entire lives in misery.

Yeah, I still feel extremely guilty about the bit of bacon.
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (get comfy and read!)
2012-01-07 03:45 am

010. "Except, I could smell the blood - sweet, metallic."

Since being fired, I have filled out 18 job applications, have a flimsy idea of a resume in process, and discovered that I can type 80-85 wpm (depending on how cold my fingers are whilst typing).

I haven't really been doing much with my time aside from reading at Coffee Cartel, watching DVDs, cleaning random areas of my apartment, fretting/crying, and harassing my friends via text messages.

On Thursday, I was on my way to deposit the little cash I did have at the bank when I came across Frogger and her Llama unloading store supplies at CC. Frogger told me I was going to go to lunch with them when I told her I wasn't doing anything. We ended up at Central Café and Bakery where Frogger and I ordered falafel (my first experience with it and I, of course, loved it) and her Llama ordered some sort of chicken wrap and something hookah-ish. (I don't really know much about hookah aside from that it smells good.)

I have to say I really love Central Café and Bakery's grape leaves and I wanted to order the baba ghanoush but they demanded I order an actual meal. I wasn't going to force it as Frogger was being kind enough to pay so perhaps some other time when I have a job again. I felt guilty because of the money but I'm trying not to. She's been very generous. I don't feel like I deserve it. Anyway, I love Middle Eastern food. If I could live off stuffed grape leaves and hummus, I would. Although, I would miss unagi very much if I did.

I'm obviously really hungry. Heh. That was the first real food I'd had since I was fired. I mean, I've had a couple of bagels here and there but there's not much nutritional value in those aside from carbohydrates/glucose. I moved some money around and it's fucking me over but I have a $50 credit available on one of the cards I was trying to pay off so I'm going to see if I can use that to buy some fruit or something later today.

My last paycheck didn't cover my rent. So I had to borrow $30 from my bank to pay it. Yay fun! I just keeping making my situation worse for myself. It's pretty awesome.

I'm sort of running out of energy... I think I'll read s'more...
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (remember love)
2012-01-03 08:39 pm

009. Punish

I've been watching a lot of documentaries lately, which I can't decide is a bad thing or not considering it forces me to think about how shitty our world is. I've watched three on religion, one on dumpster diving, and the one I'm watching right now is about Wal-Mart's horrible business practices. When I can't stop thinking and I start getting really, really depressed and need to escape those thoughts, I put Scrubs on. I don't know what I would do without Netflix to distract me.

Or, without Pepé. This morning, I came up with a plan if I can't find a job and the only thing that kept me from following through with it right then was reminding myself that he cares about me. He puts headphones on when he plays Call of Duty because he knows I hate the sound of gunfire (I have trouble enough watching shows like Law & Order) and put them on when I was still sleeping and he wanted to listen to music. He never pushes me and apologizes when I tell him if I feel pressured by something. He's incredibly patient and generous... buying me coffee and a muffin already. He cares. And... we're exclusive. Heh. Like teenagers, I swear. When we were talking about it, I said 'So, we're going steady' and we laughed and he said 'If that's what you want to call it. Yeah.' Ridiculous. I love it.

I need to start working on my resume again soon. I just need to distract myself right now. I mean, I seriously considered suicide this morning. I think my brain needs a break from stress right now.

I'm trying not to panic, knowing that I don't have enough money to pay my rent right now. It's really difficult to function. I caved and got squishy this morning to prevent myself from hurting myself. I don't know how I'm going to get through this sober.
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (nighttime in italy)
2012-01-03 05:20 am
Entry tags:

008. Vanish

A small part of me wants to keep living, but most of me just wants to die. I just keep thinking about buying a bottle of vodka, a bottle of sleeping pills, getting squishy, and cutting every part of me open once I get to the point where I just don't care anymore. I wonder what would kill me first.
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (remember love)
2012-01-02 05:27 am
Entry tags:

007. I wonder if he's realized it yet...

He's totally the Andy to my April. ♥

(We're watching Parks & Recreation together and it's pretty much the best way to spend time ever.)
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (totally hard at work of course!)
2012-01-02 02:47 am
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (stack o' books)
2012-01-02 02:24 am
Entry tags:
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (Default)
2012-01-02 01:09 am

004. Apoptosis

So! I managed to finish reading 60 books in 2011. I'm disappointed that it wasn't more, such as the original 150, but I knew by the time I decided to go back to school for fall semester, I would have to settle for just 60. Books Read in 2011

I was much closer when it came to watching 300 DVDs (either movies or the discs of TV show episodes)... I made it to 209! DVDs Watched in 2011 - A little bit out of order as I forgot about the list until December. Oops! I'll consider going back and adding the dates from Netflix instant, at least.

GOALS FOR 2012! Books to Read? 150! DVDs to Watch? 250!

Now, for the bad news... I got fired from Coffee Cartel on Thursday, the 29th, by the owner. I wasn't given an exact reason, rather it seemed a bit cumulative and muchly do to my high level of stress. As much as I loved working there, the people who I worked with, and the regulars who made my day when they came in, I can't stay angry. I am, however, very depressed right now. I'm trying to put my life into perspective and be grateful for all that I do have, but it's extremely difficult when I just lost my job, the one thing that had defined me since April 2010. I feel like a part of me was murdered, and I'm ashamed to admit that I totally begged him to reconsider, even though I knew he wouldn't. I cried for five hours straight and woke up the next day with hideous bags under my eyes. Grieving... I keep thinking I've gone through Kubler-Ross's five stages... Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Then, I start haphazardly cycling back through them all. It's super fun as you can probably guess.

At least now I can make out with Pepé as Emma so tactfully put it. Heh. Yeah... *goofy grin*

I've still been going to Cartel every single day and I still consider Frogger (the general manager) to be my bestest friend in the whole wide world. As far as I can tell, everyone still likes me. Even people who I didn't think did, have told me that we're still friends and have expressed sympathy. My regulars who I have spoken to about it, because I care about them and don't want them to just disappear from my life, have also apologized and given me hugs. *goofier grin*

It doesn't prevent me from being depressed, though. I've already applied for unemployment and submitted ten online job applications. I'm waiting until Tuesday to go job hunting on foot because I don't want to be the annoying insect of a person waltzing in on the Monday after two major holidays. Yeah, no thanks. That's like the equivalent of calling to ask if we're hiring in the middle of a lunch rush. I have one last paycheck coming to me and approximately $90 to my name as of right now. I'm going to pay my rent ($365) on the 6th, when I get my last check. Hopefully, I get unemployment with no issues and it's enough to pay the minimum $210+ in my other bills. I dropped out of the only class I was going to take this semester and I'm going to go get my $66 refund from cashier's office. And, I have other bills that I'm really scared about and none of this includes food for myself or my kit-kats. Yay.

At least I have Frogger, Llama, Pepé, Emma, Mama Nerd, and everyone else in my life who has been supportive of me. Without them, I'm pretty sure I would've just killed myself. Seems melodramatic, but considering how difficult it is to find a job in St. Louis, especially when you don't have a driver's license or a college degree yet, I really think it's a good back-up plan.

I'm so fucked.
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (Default)
2011-12-31 10:03 pm

003. Velle

"No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. ... any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee." - poet John Donne
ohmyfurandwhiskers: (Default)
2011-12-28 08:12 pm
Entry tags:

002. "Please don't share your thoughts."

Oh, the candy I have acquired! Purchased with tips I received on my 18.5 hour shift on Christmas from my favoritest grocery store in St. Louis, Straubs. The mass amount of sugary nonsense is cluttering my bed and I feel very little remorse. Petit fours and all sorts of gourmet chocolate bars all for cheap! I love it! I also put lots in my coworkers boxes at work and have loads to share on shift. I probably should have used the money to pay bills and be all responsible but I really liked the idea of buying candy for my friends and sneakily putting it in their boxes. I was also an awful bitch yesterday and got into an argument with one of my fellow managers. It's been resolved but I felt guilty so I gave her chocolate stars and put extras in Emma's* box because she witnessed it and my ranting afterward. ♥ I don't know why she puts up with me.

I've spent most of today sleeping and in bed with the Womanly Plague, reading ebooks by a struggling author by the name of S. A. Hunter. I've been very interested in young adult fiction lately because I'm considering gearing my own writing toward the YA audience as well. However, I definitely want my writing to reflect the state of my mind I had at that age as opposed to the extremes most YA authors tend to write in. I'm also considering writing a response to the book I mentioned in my first entry. The Espressologist, which I felt is an insult to both literature and the intelligence of teenagers. I'm not sure how serious I am about it, but I have always wanted to write a book about being a barista and also "get back at" authors who don't know anything about what they're writing about.

Right now, my furry kit-kats, Quinn and Kaylee, are curled up around me, purring. I have books to finish reading and gingerbread marshmallows to eat, so I'll say farewell for now.

*I quite like this whole nickname thing!